10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married

And so, in no particular order, here we go:

1. Sharing Finances is Hard–so Talk About it Early

Don’t wait until you get married to develop a budget, talk about saving, or make financial plans. Start doing this right after you get engaged, so that you’re on the same page. Figure out how you’ll budget and how you’ll decide what to spend money on. Money is one of the hardest things to learn how to share, and it’s so much easier if you talk it through first.

What if one of you has debt and one of you doesn’t? Then you both have to start working hard at paying off debt! And you need to have those serious conversations BEFORE you marry about setting a plan in motion to become debt free.

These things are not easy, and most people don’t know how to do them. So ask whoever is doing your premarital counseling (likely a pastor) if there is someone smart with money that you can sit down with who can help you work through basic budgeting and make some of these plans. Get some help now–before you walk down the aisle!

Oh, and here’s another gem: once the debt is paid off, live on one income. ALWAYS live on one income. If you expect that one parent will eventually stay at home with kids, then you need to learn how to live on one income now. Take the second income and save it for the house, or a car, or whatever. But live within your means early, and it will put you on such better ground moving forward.

2. In-laws matter more than you think. Get along with them now!

When we’re dating and engaged we’re so focused on the person we’re marrying. But, as one Facebook reader said,

You marry a whole family, not just one man.

Once you’re married, that family will be a part of your life, whether you like it or not. So make an effort to be friendly and get along with them as much as possible. You don’t have to be best friends, but it is so much easier if you have goodwill between you. Often when you’re dating you live away from in-laws, so they don’t seem like a factor in your life. But that changes. So Skype with them now. Go with his sister out to get your nails done. Do a craft with your mother-in-law, or ask her to help you cook a turkey dinner. Reach out. Don’t wait for them to make the first move, and pout at home because they’re not. You make that first move and build that relationship.

3. Great sex isn’t automatic–but that’s okay. You have decades to get it right!

We start marriage with such “great sexpectations”. We figure it will be just like the movies, where it works perfectly and it’s always amazingly passionate. But it’s often not.

One reader wrote,

I wish I knew that things in the bedroom would not just happen as spontaneously as we thought and communicating about intimacy and our expectations of it would be much harder than I expected.

But once you do get married, one big piece of advice: I know you’re shy, but tell him what feels good and what doesn’t. Tell him early. If you don’t speak up on the honeymoon, it gets harder and harder to say anything. So try to talk about it then.

Oh, and another thing about sex:

I wish I had known that the man is not always the one with the greater sex drive.

In about 24% of marriages, according to my surveys, SHE has the higher sex drive. If that’s you, you are not a freak. And with good communication and lots of grace, you can still have a great sex life.

4. Marriage Isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100.

Don’t go into marriage thinking, “we’ll each do our share”. If you start marriage measuring who does more work, you’ll always find that he doesn’t measure up. That’s because all of us have unrealistic expectations, and all of us expect our husbands to do things our way. At the same time, he expects us to do things his way. So since we’re expecting what is virtually impossible, we’ll find that he never does enough.

We have to get over this idea that we each put in half the effort, and think of marriage more like 100/100. We each jump in and dedicate ourselves to making the marriage great. The more you do that, the more benefits you’ll receive. One woman wrote:

Marriage isn’t always a 50/50 deal. Most days it is 60/40 or even 80/20. It all depends. BUT being married means meeting that other person wherever they are at that time. The more you tend your marriage the more it will flourish. You absolutely need to be totally selfless at times for it to work. It took me awhile to realize this and now that I do my marriage is the best it has ever been.

5. Marriage doesn’t necessarily change everything–especially him

Here’s an important one to understand, that has both a warning and a reassurance. First the warning.

One woman writes:

Pay attention to “habits” and don’t overlook them so easily just because you’re a starry-eyed girl in love. Sometimes, that habit is really an addiction and no matter how hard you try or how much you think they love you, you can’t and won’t make them stop. Please heed addictions (to anything) and give them time to get help and get healed before you marry them. I can’t stress that enough.

That is so true! The number of women who write to me saying, “he used porn before we were married but he said he’d stop”, or “he’s on video games six hours a day still, just like he was before we were married” is so sad. Before you’re married, don’t just date. Do life so you can see how he actually lives. Do errands together. Do mundane things together. Hang out. If you find there’s a major habit he has that annoys you, remember: this will only be magnified tenfold when we marry. It won’t go away. Marriage will not change that habit. So keep your eyes open.

Now for the reassurance. Another woman writes:

I wish I knew that marriage doesn’t always start a new chapter in your lives. Sometimes you continue in the chapter you are in and have to learn to grow together and be content where you are. For some reason, I just expected that getting married would bring us new and exciting things.

We had been together for almost 4 years before we finally got married. I just thought that marriage would be something new. It would close the old chapter, and we’d walk hand-in-hand under a rainbow into this new and glorious chapter filled with prosperity and travel and babies and a super clean house. But it just didn’t happen. Life kept going as it had been going. We both had our individual struggles and had to learn to grow together…and we have!

I’m thankful that it wasn’t as I imagined it. I’ve grown so much these three years. Above all I’ve learned that marriage–and life– is hard work, but with Jesus, it is made light. I love my husband and I’m so thankful that God kept certain doors closed and let us grow and know each other first! Now we are ready for that next chapter!

If you’re super close before you’re married, it’s not always that you develop an extra level of closeness once you’re married. Sometimes life just continues. And that’s okay.

6. It’s not easy sharing toothpaste

Sharing a life isn’t natural. Sharing a bed and sharing a bathroom sink is even harder–especially the older you are. When you’re entrenched in your own home and you’re used to having your own space and your own way of doing things, marriage is a hard adjustment.

One woman wrote:

I wish I knew that the move in together part of a marriage doesn’t just happen smoothly and automatically– How to share space, split household duties and manage joint time and money is something you should think and talk about before the wedding.

So true!

7. Plans don’t always work

Friends of mine had a ten year plan when they were married. They married in university, and planned to both get their graduate degrees and start teaching for one or two years before starting to have kids around age 29. That way they could have a down payment on a house, and school would be done before the kids came.

But she got pregnant six months after the wedding.

Another friend of mine, within a year of getting married, was all of a sudden caring for a mother-in-law who had had a stroke out of nowhere.

It’s wonderful to plan and dream, but never invest all of your joy into any one plan. Remember that life happens, and the neat thing about being married is now you have someone to have it happen with.

My own girls have always said that they want 3-4 years with their future husbands before they have kids, and I completely agree with that. But when you’re walking down the aisle, you need to know that there is never any guarantee, and you need to be able to go with the flow.

8. Conflict can make you stronger. Don’t run from it; work through it.

Your first fight when you’re married may scare you. But that’s okay. Conflict isn’t always bad as long as you handle it well. One woman wrote:

Marriage is like two rough rocks being thrown in a tumbler. You smooth each other out as you bang and hit against each other.

Talk through your conflict. Tell him about what you’re thinking. Keep communication open, even if it’s hard. Before you’re married, develop a plan on how you’ll have these difficult talks. Maybe every Thursday after dinner you’ll go for a walk to “check in”, and that will give both of you time to bring up anything you want to. Maybe you’ll have breakfast Saturday mornings and plan through the next week and talk about these things. Plan beforehand, and arrange natural times to talk, knowing that there will always be something to talk about, and life is smoother.

And don’t shy away from conflict! One woman writes:

I wish I had known too, that trying to please him in every way possible, even going against my beliefs, to placate and prevent arguments is not the solution.

Conflict is always either a win/win or a lose/lose. Don’t aim to win an argument, because if you defeat your husband and he loses, you lose, too. You lose intimacy. Instead, find the win/win in everything. When you do that, conflict doesn’t seem so scary.

9. Listen to the little things

Don’t focus on yourself; before you’re married, practice focusing on him and what he’s thinking and feeling. Let those things matter to you.

One woman writes:

I wish I had known to really listen to the little things your husband says; I’ve found if I pay attention to the little things, the “big” things are fewer and far between.

When you pay attention to the little things he wants, he feels important. And that makes big conflicts less likely to happen.

Another woman says,

Un-met expectations are likely unknown expectations, speak up!

Don’t expect him to be a mind reader; ask for help in the little things. You may just find he’s more than happy to oblige, but he just didn’t know you needed anything.

10. It’s wonderful to go through life with somebody else.

Finally, we hear so much negative stuff about marriage. Marriage is hard. So many people divorce. You’ll never work harder at anything in your life.

I suppose that’s partially true, but overall, what I’ve found after 23 years of marriage is that it is such an amazing privilege to have someone else to walk through life with–someone who knows me inside and out, someone who has been there for everything, and someone who is always sticking around. That joy makes up for so much.

Let me end with this woman’s words:

It doesn’t have to be hard! If you are willing to learn and show grace, marriage will be such a joy. 35 years in and my husband and I have only had one minor fight because we have this perspective

It doesn’t have to be hard. Love in the little things; do 100/100; know that there will be transitions–and you just may find marriage is one of the best rides of your life!

[SILENT KILLER] Asbestos in Floor Tile

With all the trendy cable television shows featuring worn down old houses being transformed into beautiful abodes, many people are motivated to try their hand at restoring an old house. The struggling real estate market features many older properties that are listed at incredibly low prices. Despite best intentions, what lies within that old house may cost the owner dearly if caution is not exercised. Older houses, especially those built in the 1950’s, are prone to contain a deadly cancer-causing substance in an area that is often overlooked. 

 

Asbestos floor tiling was once affordable and extremely popular, but as it deteriorates, it presents many dangers to homeowners. The mineral asbestos is known to cause cancers in many parts of the respiratory system, and it is nearly impossible to cure. Because asbestos fibers are impossible to destroy, exposure to them may cause health complications for many years to come.

It may be challenging to tell if old floor tiles contain asbestos or not as there are no visual indications of its presence. The simplest way to determine the composition of a tile is to collect a small sample of the surface in question and mail it to a testing center for analysis. The United States Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) can provide directions to the nearest certified asbestos testing center. A small fee is charged for the testing service, but the relief that will come from knowing the make-up of potentially hazardous tiles is well worth this minimal cost.

Asbestos tiles were commonly produced and used by building manufacturers in the United States until the 1980’s. They pose no danger if the tiles are in good condition because of protective measures taken during production. The tiles are sealed with a protective coating to prevent the breakdown and release of asbestos particles, and since asbestos exposure is dangerous only if the particles are ingested through the lungs or mouth, this provides a small measure of security against contamination. Despite this, removing dangerous materials is the only way to insure total protection and getting rid of old asbestos tiles in a house can be a challenge. If they are to be removed, it must be done by a professional company that is trained to deal with the hazards these tiles present. 

 

Even after tile removal, the adhesive residue left behind can contain asbestos particles. Sanding this residue away will release the particles into the air. An easier alternative is to simply cover the old tiles with a new flooring surface, such as carpeting, vinyl or linoleum. Covering a surface that has asbestos tiling will prevent any of the dangerous fibers from becoming airborne.

http://www.asbestos.net/exposure/products/construction/floor-tile

[Breast and Nipple Problems] What is causing my breast pain and what can I do about it?

Breast pain (called mastalgia) is quite common—about 70 percent of women will experience breast pain at some point in their lives—and it is one of the most frustrating clinical problems for doctor and patient alike.

To start with, it is important to gain as much information as possible about the pain. When you go to your doctor, it would be helpful if you can explain whether the pain is cyclical, and therefore more likely to be related to hormonal changes or water retention at certain times in your menstrual cycle, or noncyclical, and therefore more likely to be due to direct pressure on a nerve in the neck or chest wall.

Other factors that may contribute to breast pain in some women include birth control pills, hormone replacement therapy, weight gain, and bras that do not fit properly. Women who experience breast pain beyond the first few days of breastfeeding should speak with their doctor or lactation consultant.

Some women experience pain that is due to water retention but does not seem to correlate with the menstrual cycle. This observation has led researchers to look for environmental or nutritional causes for the pain, but as of yet, there are no clear answers. In the future, we may find that there are women who have certain vitamin deficiencies associated with breast pain. Currently, there is no evidence that certain vitamins can help control breast pain. Even so, some women say they have found some relief by taking vitamin B6, vitamin B1, and vitamin E.

A second hypothesis, called the "methylxanthine hypothesis," promotes the idea that caffeine, the methylxanthine found in coffee, tea, chocolate, and cola, could be associated with water retention, proliferation of cells, and, in turn, breast pain. (Methylxanthine is also present in some asthma medications.) Although this is a plausible mechanism, controlled trials in which women are randomly given caffeine tablets or a placebo and then asked about their breast pain have not found caffeine to be associated with breast pain.

Some women have found that wearing a good, supportive bra, like a sports bra, even at night, can help reduce breast pain. Others have tried reducing sodium intake, maintaining a low-fat diet, going on the birth control pill, and losing weight (if they are overweight).

A clinic in Cardiff, Wales, tested evening primrose oil, a natural form of gamolenic acid, and found that it relieved the breast pain in 44–58 percent of the women with moderate to severe pain who tried it. Evening primrose oil can be purchased at health food stores as capsules containing 500mg of gamolenic acid. Six capsules should be taken twice a day. Because it can take awhile for the evening primrose oil to have an effect, it is recommended that the initial trial period last four months. If after four months the pain has decreased, the evening primrose oil should be continued for another one to two months and then discontinued. This treatment should not be tried if you are pregnant or trying to get pregnant as it can cause miscarriage.

Another option is over-the-counter pain medication. Most likely, though, you will need to speak with your doctor about prescription medications that are more effective but are also associated with more side effects. The two most commonly used drugs to treat breast pain are bromocriptine (brand name Parlodel) and danazol (brand name Danocrine).

Parlodel lowers prolactin levels and has been found to be effective for cyclical breast pain in double-blind placebo-controlled randomized trials. Its side effects may include dizziness, upset stomach, headache, fatigue, vomiting, and constipation. You can decrease the chance that you will experience these side effects by starting on a low dose, going up in dosage incrementally, and using the lowest dose that is effective for you. Parlodel should not be used if you are on the birth control pill.

The steroid pain medication Danocrine has also been shown to be effective in controlled trials in reducing severe cyclical breast pain. It can be effective at very low doses, such as 100mg every other day. The side effects, which are seen primarily in women who take higher doses (600–800mg/day), may include a decrease in breast size; a deepening of the voice, hoarseness, or sore throat; weight gain; water retention and bloating; sweating; vaginal dryness, burning, itching, or bleeding; depression; irritability; and changes in the menstrual cycle. Also, Danocrine cannot be taken if you are on the birth control pill, pregnant, or breastfeeding. The drug tamoxifen, which is a hormonal treatment for breast cancer, also has been shown to be effective in reducing breast pain. The recommended dose is 10mg/day. It is usually given as a three-month trial, which is repeated if the pain recurs after the tamoxifen is stopped.

If no underlying cause can be found for breast pain that is noncyclical, and if the pain is in a specific area of the breast, trigger point injections with local anesthetic and, if necessary, steroids may be effective.

It is difficult to conduct research on breast pain because oftentimes the pain will just resolve on its own. It is not rare for a woman to have one episode of severe pain during her lifetime. It often lasts for a few months and then begins to decrease and ultimately go away.

That’s why doctors will want to know how long you have had symptoms and will typically not prescribe medication until you have been experiencing the pain for three months or longer and have found the other methods of relieving pain not to be effective.

How Facebook Almost Destroyed My Marriage [Must Read]

I found this article and i think i should share it with you.

Facebook is just one of the many social media sites that has given us a new way to communicate with others.  It is used to keep up with trending topics in others lives in a quick and creative way.  Unfortunately, sin and temptation lead some people beyond appropriate relationship boundaries using these social media sites as a means of intimate communication with people outside of their marriage.  Guest blogger Dawn wanted to share with you how Facebook was used to hurt and damage her marriage.  Let this be a warning to you to be careful how you use Facebook and other social sites.  Talk to your husband about boundaries and keep each other accountable to the exclusivity of intimacy in your marriage.

I love Facebook! I have up to date pictures from my cousins mission trip to Guatemala, baby pictures within the hour of birth, prayer requests,my former students talk to me about what college their attending and so much more fun stuff. I love all that fun communication!

I hate Facebook. I hate when someone writes something distasteful, or posts pictures that are not appropriate, I hate the gossip or bashing of people but most of all I hate what it did to my marriage.

A few months back my husband came home from work and told me about how he had asked the wife of an old high school buddy if her husband had email(on Facebook). The wife soon told him they were divorced but it didn’t end there. She went on about how she was sexually abused and abused by him and then she remarried someone else and he sexually abused her daughter. My husband told me all of this conversation. I told my husband to be careful, because she was giving too much intimate information and she could be trying to suck him in to her life.

My husband, feeling very secure in our loving wonderful marriage of 12 years said I was right and he would be careful.

Well unknown to me the conversations kept going and going.  My husband says he thought he was helping her by listening. She just kept sucking him in by heaping on the personal information.  After awhile I started having this strange feeling that something wasn’t right. I had my husband’s password to his account (because we trust each other and wanted to be accountable) on Facebook. So about 11:30am during the weekday(with a strong feeling), I logged on his account and looked at his messages.  What I didn’t realize was he was chatting with her right then! I stopped breathing for a second, I felt my whole world spin out of control.

This is what I read.
“I’m sorry you’re hurting” my husband we will call him Jack (not his real name)
“I hurt all the time, people have said they love me but they don’t really.” the woman I will call her Sue (not her real name)
“I love you” Jack
“I wish I was with you, I have been hurt so much” Sue
“I just want to hold you in my arms and carry you close to me” Jack “You are my everything. I want to make everything alright for you.”
“I wish I could hear your voice right now and feel your arms” Sue
“I’m singing to you right now. “You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are blue you never know dear how much I love you…” Jack

This is where I called him and told he was a cheat and yelled at him. I called him a cheat, a liar and I don’t know what else. I was so angry and devastated. I was still in front of the computer and as I was talking to him he wrote to her…
“I got to go somehow my wife found our conversations I deleted. I will talk later. Love you.” Jack
Sue wrote “Uh oh, you’re in trouble now.”

I wondered what was in the deleted conversations?

He told me he was coming home. I had twenty minutes to think. I started packing. My stuff and my two kids stuff. I was shaking and crying. I thought our marriage was so good. We love God, we love each other we love our kids. We go on dates, we talk to each other, we share, we hold hands, we do things for each other. How could this be? I warned him! How could he do this to God, me, to us, to our kids?

He came home and we talked and talked (Ok, I yelled some and I am not a yeller). He said he thought he could help her feel better without getting involved and until he heard my voice he didn’t really get it. I said “How could you be so stupid? She played you and I warned you.”  He said he thought he was strong enough to handle it. That he was a strong enough Christian to help her. He thought because he loved me so much he couldn’t get sucked in. He could just be a friend and help her.

I asked him if he really loved her? He said “No, he just wanted her to know somebody cared.” “He loved her like a friend.” I told him “No one should tell anyone but their spouse those things.” He said, he was sorry and I was right.

My husband was sick to his stomach, scared, shaking. He was so afraid he lost everything. He begged, pleaded, and most of all he learned a huge lesson.

No one is strong enough!

He learned his lesson and today our marriage is healing. It hurts and I still wonder about what I can’t control, but God helps me daily. We are all vulnerable to the world and to sin.

This woman needed help, but not help from my husband. I messaged her on his account and told her that she needed help but not from anybody’s husband. I went on to tell her to find a counselor and a good church and seek God for He is the only one that could help her.  She never responded back and that was ok. I needed to tell her.  I wasn’t mean, but I was firm. I forgive her and my husband, but it will take along time to trust and to heal.

We have been doing the “Love Dare” challenge and other marriage devotionals. We are doing well, and I believe we are stronger because of this. My husband says he has learned he can’t fix problems for other women or discuss personal things with other females.

He closed his Facebook account and we share one now, but he doesn’t really get on it. I try very hard to just let him know I forgive him. Jesus forgives us without bringing it up over and over again and that is how we are to forgive. Just forgive, no strings. I am not saying that I don’t get worried sometimes or that I forgot, but I ask for Gods help and He gives it. Then I go on everyday.

One of the worst things is that my husband’s family believes and tells him he did nothing wrong. They are very worldly and even though they say they believe in God, I have never seen anything but worldly behavior in them. My husband is hurt by them, because he feels they don’t understand. He is also in some ways, championed by them and that is a struggle for him. They don’t like me much. They let it be known they believe I am to conservative and that hurts, but we keep going. I know God loves me and we are doing the right thing by him.

So my love hate relationship with Facebook will continue for now. We will see what happens. I still love the updates, the prayers and the pictures, but I sure could do without some of the other stuff.

- Dawn

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