And so, in no particular order, here
we go:
1.
Sharing Finances is Hard–so Talk About it Early
Don’t wait until you get married to
develop a budget, talk about saving, or make financial plans. Start doing this
right after you get engaged, so that you’re on the same page. Figure out how
you’ll budget and how you’ll decide what to spend money on. Money is one of the
hardest things to learn how to share, and it’s so much easier if you talk it
through first.
What if one of you has debt and one
of you doesn’t? Then you both have to start working hard at paying off debt!
And you need to have those serious conversations BEFORE you marry about setting
a plan in motion to become debt free.
These things are not easy, and most
people don’t know how to do them. So ask whoever is doing your premarital
counseling (likely a pastor) if there is someone smart with money that you can
sit down with who can help you work through basic budgeting and make some of
these plans. Get some help now–before you walk down the aisle!
Oh, and here’s another gem: once the
debt is paid off, live on one income. ALWAYS live on one income. If you expect
that one parent will eventually stay at home with kids, then you need to learn
how to live on one income now. Take the second income and save it for the
house, or a car, or whatever. But live within your means early, and it will put
you on such better ground moving forward.
2.
In-laws matter more than you think. Get along with them now!
When we’re dating and engaged we’re
so focused on the person we’re marrying. But, as one Facebook reader said,
You marry a whole family, not just
one man.
Once you’re married, that family
will be a part of your life, whether you like it or not. So make an effort to
be friendly and get along with them as much as possible. You don’t have to be
best friends, but it is so much easier if you have goodwill between you. Often
when you’re dating you live away from in-laws, so they don’t seem like a factor
in your life. But that changes. So Skype with them now. Go with his sister out
to get your nails done. Do a craft with your mother-in-law, or ask her to help
you cook a turkey dinner. Reach out. Don’t wait for them to make the first
move, and pout at home because they’re not. You make that first move and build
that relationship.
3.
Great sex isn’t automatic–but that’s okay. You have decades to get it right!
We start marriage with such “great
sexpectations”. We figure it will be just like the movies, where it works
perfectly and it’s always amazingly passionate. But it’s often not.
One reader wrote,
I wish I knew that things in the
bedroom would not just happen as spontaneously as we thought and communicating
about intimacy and our expectations of it would be much harder than I expected.
But once you do get married, one big
piece of advice: I know you’re shy, but tell him what feels good and what
doesn’t. Tell him early. If you don’t speak up on the honeymoon, it gets harder
and harder to say anything. So try to talk about it then.
Oh, and another thing about sex:
I wish I had known that the man is
not always the one with the greater sex drive.
In about 24% of marriages, according
to my surveys, SHE has the higher sex drive. If that’s you, you are not a
freak. And with good communication and lots of grace, you can still have a
great sex life.
4.
Marriage Isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100.
Don’t go into marriage thinking,
“we’ll each do our share”. If you start marriage measuring who does more work,
you’ll always find that he doesn’t measure up. That’s because all of us have
unrealistic expectations, and all of us expect our husbands to do things our
way. At the same time, he expects us to do things his way. So since we’re
expecting what is virtually impossible, we’ll find that he never does enough.
We have to get over this idea that
we each put in half the effort, and think of marriage more like 100/100. We
each jump in and dedicate ourselves to making the marriage great. The more you
do that, the more benefits you’ll receive. One woman wrote:
Marriage isn’t always a 50/50 deal.
Most days it is 60/40 or even 80/20. It all depends. BUT being married means
meeting that other person wherever they are at that time. The more you tend
your marriage the more it will flourish. You absolutely need to be totally
selfless at times for it to work. It took me awhile to realize this and now
that I do my marriage is the best it has ever been.
5.
Marriage doesn’t necessarily change everything–especially him
Here’s an important one to
understand, that has both a warning and a reassurance. First the warning.
One woman writes:
Pay attention to “habits” and don’t
overlook them so easily just because you’re a starry-eyed girl in love.
Sometimes, that habit is really an addiction and no matter how hard you try or
how much you think they love you, you can’t and won’t make them stop. Please
heed addictions (to anything) and give them time to get help and get healed
before you marry them. I can’t stress that enough.
That is so true! The number of women
who write to me saying, “he used porn before we were married but he said he’d
stop”, or “he’s on video games six hours a day still, just like he was before
we were married” is so sad. Before you’re married, don’t just date. Do life so
you can see how he actually lives. Do errands together. Do mundane things
together. Hang out. If you find there’s a major habit he has that annoys you,
remember: this will only be magnified tenfold when we marry. It won’t go away.
Marriage will not change that habit. So keep your eyes open.
Now for the reassurance. Another
woman writes:
I wish I knew that marriage doesn’t
always start a new chapter in your lives. Sometimes you continue in the chapter
you are in and have to learn to grow together and be content where you are. For
some reason, I just expected that getting married would bring us new and
exciting things.
We had been together for almost 4 years before we finally got married. I just
thought that marriage would be something new. It would close the old chapter,
and we’d walk hand-in-hand under a rainbow into this new and glorious chapter
filled with prosperity and travel and babies and a super clean house. But it
just didn’t happen. Life kept going as it had been going. We both had our
individual struggles and had to learn to grow together…and we have!
I’m thankful that it wasn’t as I imagined it. I’ve grown so much these three
years. Above all I’ve learned that marriage–and life– is hard work, but with
Jesus, it is made light. I love my husband and I’m so thankful that God kept
certain doors closed and let us grow and know each other first! Now we are
ready for that next chapter!
If you’re super close before you’re
married, it’s not always that you develop an extra level of closeness once
you’re married. Sometimes life just continues. And that’s okay.
6.
It’s not easy sharing toothpaste
Sharing a life isn’t natural.
Sharing a bed and sharing a bathroom sink is even harder–especially the older
you are. When you’re entrenched in your own home and you’re used to having your
own space and your own way of doing things, marriage is a hard adjustment.
One woman wrote:
I wish I knew that the move in
together part of a marriage doesn’t just happen smoothly and automatically– How
to share space, split household duties and manage joint time and money is
something you should think and talk about before the wedding.
So true!
7.
Plans don’t always work
Friends of mine had a ten year plan
when they were married. They married in university, and planned to both get
their graduate degrees and start teaching for one or two years before starting
to have kids around age 29. That way they could have a down payment on a house,
and school would be done before the kids came.
But she got pregnant six months
after the wedding.
Another friend of mine, within a
year of getting married, was all of a sudden caring for a mother-in-law who had
had a stroke out of nowhere.
It’s wonderful to plan and dream,
but never invest all of your joy into any one plan. Remember that life happens,
and the neat thing about being married is now you have someone to have it
happen with.
My own girls have always said that
they want 3-4 years with their future husbands before they have kids, and I
completely agree with that. But when you’re walking down the aisle, you need to
know that there is never any guarantee, and you need to be able to go with the
flow.
8.
Conflict can make you stronger. Don’t run from it; work through it.
Your first fight when you’re married
may scare you. But that’s okay. Conflict isn’t always bad as long as you handle
it well. One woman wrote:
Marriage is like two rough rocks
being thrown in a tumbler. You smooth each other out as you bang and hit
against each other.
Talk through your conflict. Tell him
about what you’re thinking. Keep communication open, even if it’s hard. Before
you’re married, develop a plan on how you’ll have these difficult talks. Maybe
every Thursday after dinner you’ll go for a walk to “check in”, and that will
give both of you time to bring up anything you want to. Maybe you’ll have
breakfast Saturday mornings and plan through the next week and talk about these
things. Plan beforehand, and arrange natural times to talk, knowing that there
will always be something to talk about, and life is smoother.
And don’t shy away from conflict!
One woman writes:
I wish I had known too, that trying
to please him in every way possible, even going against my beliefs, to placate
and prevent arguments is not the solution.
Conflict is always either a win/win
or a lose/lose. Don’t aim to win an argument, because if you defeat your
husband and he loses, you lose, too. You lose intimacy. Instead, find the
win/win in everything. When you do that, conflict doesn’t seem so scary.
9.
Listen to the little things
Don’t focus on yourself; before
you’re married, practice focusing on him and what he’s thinking and feeling.
Let those things matter to you.
One woman writes:
I wish I had known to really listen
to the little things your husband says; I’ve found if I pay attention to the
little things, the “big” things are fewer and far between.
When you pay attention to the little
things he wants, he feels important. And that makes big conflicts less likely
to happen.
Another woman says,
Un-met expectations are likely
unknown expectations, speak up!
Don’t expect him to be a mind
reader; ask for help in the little things. You may just find he’s more than
happy to oblige, but he just didn’t know you needed anything.
10.
It’s wonderful to go through life with somebody else.
Finally, we hear so much negative
stuff about marriage. Marriage is hard. So many people divorce. You’ll never
work harder at anything in your life.
I suppose that’s partially true, but
overall, what I’ve found after 23 years of marriage is that it is such an
amazing privilege to have someone else to walk through life with–someone who
knows me inside and out, someone who has been there for everything, and someone
who is always sticking around. That joy makes up for so much.
Let me end with this woman’s words:
It doesn’t have to be hard! If you
are willing to learn and show grace, marriage will be such a joy. 35 years in
and my husband and I have only had one minor fight because we have this
perspective
It doesn’t have to be hard. Love in
the little things; do 100/100; know that there will be transitions–and you just
may find marriage is one of the best rides of your life!
