Joan On Sex: I Can Get An Erection But No Ejaculation

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Hello dear friends it’s another Thursday and we are about to talk SEX! It’s simple, Sex is good and should be enjoyed by everyone but unfortunately, not everyone has that privilege. This week Joan on Sex focuses on three great stories, or worries, which also affects our daily sex life. Hope you love and learn.

This week, we have a 47 year old nurse, Debola who seem to be having trust issues with her partner. Should she confront him after lying to her about meeting his ex?

I’m 47 and have been with my partner (52) for five years. Now I’ve found out that he regularly meets his ex, with whom he was together for over ten years. We often talked about this and he said he wasn’t in touch with her. But in fact he has always hidden these meetings from me. He once told me for example that he was going on a trip alone, but was with her instead. I keep thinking to myself that someone who is lying is cheating also. What should I do?

Debola, Lagos – Nigeria

Dear Debola,

Let’s take a step back. I can understand the pain you feel because your partner has lied to you but this is no reason to conclude from one lie to another. Accusing him of sexual fraud is simply exaggerated. I can imagine that your partner was scared of exactly such a strong reaction from your side, and has therefore been acting accordingly? I don’t want to take a protective position for him or justify his lies but apparently his doubts to tell you the truth were not entirely unreasonable.

Finally, it doesn’t help much now who has contributed what to this unpleasant situation. More importantly; it explains how it has come to this situation now. You have to find out why your partner felt better hiding meeting his ex from you, and why he prefers to lie about it than to face the discussion with you.

Clarify with your partner what really happened in these meetings and how you as a couple want to deal with the topic of ex-partners in the future. Make it clear to your partner that you don’t tolerate these kinds of secrets. After that, it is important that you schedule a lot of time for you as a couple. You need to breathe again and enjoy pleasant experiences, so that the trust between you can grow again.

Next, we have the married Emem, a business woman, who doesn’t understand why her husband can’t just have sex with her instead of getting masturbation for 29-30 days in a month.

My husband and I have been together for six years and we have a daughter together. In the past, our sex life was good but lately he has been preferring masturbation to sex with me. We have sex only once a month. I feel betrayed and unloved as well as unattractive for him. Why is he doing this? How can ‘sex once a month’ be enough for my husband?

Emem, Akwa-Ibom – Nigeria.

Dear Emem,

Your husband’s behaviour has hurt and disappointed you. I can understand that you feel that way. Still, I believe that you’ll also have to question your own position. Please don’t get me wrong: If you are not happy with your sex life and your relationship at the moment, you as a couple have to take an active step and solve this problem. But this doesn’t mean that your husband has to stop masturbating. The majority of men and women do masturbate in a relationship and this is a normal and healthy way to live out one’s sexuality. Sexuality doesn’t exclusively have to deal with a partner even though one is in a relationship. The fact that your husband masturbates does not mean that he finds you unattractive. You feel mistreated and lied to but there must be more to that feeling than the sheer masturbation of your husband.

Talk about this together as a couple. Don’t address him as him being the bad guy and you being the victim but talk about your feelings and expectations. Tell him that you are missing sex but also his affection and confirmation. And I am sure that there are things that your husband would like to change as well.

Finally, a touching story from 37 year old virgin, Chukwudi, a former banker and now a handicap who  can’t impregnate a woman even though his d**k can wake up! How does he find true love?

I’m 37 years old. Seven years ago I had a serious accident at the age of 30. Until last year I was in a wheelchair, now I can walk on crutches. My problem is: I have never had sex in my life and I’m afraid that finding someone is even more difficult with my disability now. Moreover, I can get an erection but no ejaculation. Who would be interested in a man like me without experience and ejaculation? Will I ever have a chance with someone?

Chukwudi, Asaba – Nigeria

Dear Chuks,

Some women I know want neither an erection nor ejaculation but just want a man as a partner. Even if your everyday life offers different challenges than most people’s does, I think that the same applies for you to find partners as for everyone else: Be yourself! Each person comes as a “package” with positive and negative characteristics and we all live a life where easy and more difficult things happen. Your handicap requires a partner’s flexibility and sacrifice at times. Therefore, it might take longer for you to find someone.

But maybe your living circumstances prevent you from experiencing the superficiality that so many people have difficulties with when trying to find a partner. So if you find a match, then you guys match in fact. If you’re talking about “no ejaculation” means that you are unable to produce children, you ought to communicate that openly. If your potential partner wants to have children, she needs to know about your restriction.

As for your lack of experience, it may appear to you as a major problem but you will see that this is something you can overcome in a loving partnership with creativity and frank communication. All in all, I cannot advise you to do anything else but stay strong and patient. Have a look at what your life has to offer and spend your life in a way that makes YOU happy.

Thank you so much for sharing with us this week. I only hope you found the best solution yet and decide to live a happy sex life from now on.