Most of us had barely come down from the high of the last one and here it is again – good old National Cleavage Day, 2013. It’s the one day of the year that proudly reminds us girls that we are worth so much more than the sum total of our breasts. We are worth the sum total of our breasts squashed together.
But there may be some of you who have started to wonder whether National Cleavage Day has any real meaning or purpose. For the cynics, here are the top 10 reasons that NCD is totally a viable cause for celebration…
10. What else are we supposed to do at the end of March?
There is literally nothing else to do this week apart from celebrate cleavages. I would be amazed if you could find anything – anything – of cultural, social or religious significance that is going on at the moment. Hell, they’ve even given us all a four-day weekend to celebrate cleavages. That’s how important it is!
What, do you think they’re going to celebrate your personality? ‘National Personality Day’? Don’t make me laugh! No; your boobs are the best bit about you and don’t you forget it.
Regularly hoisted boobs are nice enough, but let’s face it; they never look better than when stuffed into a bra three sizes too small.
That’s why National Cleavage Day works so well. It says: ‘Ladies, we like your boobs just fine when they’re sitting naturally out in front and even when you’ve plonked them casually into some kind of undergarment. But if you really want to impress, why not cruelly pack your breasts into a plunge bra made for self-conscious pre-teens, so that they rest uncomfortably somewhere between your collarbone and your earlobes? That’s it – show them no mercy. Scrumptious.’
Mothers; fathers; bloody ‘no smoking’ – everything has its own national day. Why shouldn’t half-strangled appendages get theirs?
National Cleavage Day allows websites to write things with ‘cleavage’ in the headline. If you haven’t heard of SEO, go and look it up (on Google, naturally) and come back here to appreciate the fortuitousness of NCD. Now can you see why we’re also crossing our fingers for National Jennifer Lawrence Hot Day and National Rihanna Naked Boobs Sex Day?
But mark my words, she’ll be back before the day is out. In fact, I’m not entirely convinced this whole day hasn’t been orchestrated by her PR team in an effort to get her name back out there.
There are women out there – real, human women – who have spent thousands of pounds and even more thousands of hours perfecting their cleavages. Employing everything from invasive cosmetic surgery to t*t-tape, these women have dedicated much of their lives to the cause of looking a bit like they’ve got 2x Heston Blumenthal stuck on their chests. And that, surely, is to be commended.
Equally, there are some women who have forgotten the importance of having sizeable chest-booty. These females are labouring under the misapprehension that there are more pressing matters in life, like earning a living and caring for their young.
To these women, National Cleavage Day says: ‘Boo you, you gross-looking shrew! For the love of all things holy, put down that breastfeeding child and concentrate on what’s important!’
Oh look, National Cleavage Day hasn’t been orchestrated entirely by Katie Price’s PR team, after all. In fact, it’s the work of those folks at Wonderbra, who helpfully, also have a range of cleavage-enhancing bras you’re invited to purchase in the event that March 27th leaves you feeling a little on the inadequate side. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that a consortium of cosmetic surgeons are in on the act, too.
But don’t be cynical – what’s good for our boobs is good for the economy is good for Britain. God save the Queen.
Phwoar. It’s empowering, innit.
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